Back then, I believe........

In the year 2001:
- That I can still be a doctor if I ever concentrate on my science.
- That I can really make new friends
- That I can let go of my past
- That I can forget my primary school crush
- That my dad can be sane again
- That my dad didn't ever leave
- That I chose Harry Potter instead of Lord of the Rings as the first movie after my dad's demise is the right choice
- That 2002 will be a better year

In the year 2002:
- That my teacher is always true to her word
- That I found inspirational teachers
- That I thought I can let go of my dad
- That my mother finally showed her emotions
- That acting is my solace for life
- That I can't be a doctor when I'm so scared at looking at corpses
- That I am always a lonely girl with little friends
- That I'm always right
- That 2003 will be a better year

In the year 2003:
- That I don't need PBSM anymore
- That I found newer friends with funnier attitude
- That 3 Alpha was one of the best class I had attended
- That I finally scored high marks in Chinese Language Essay
- That Taiwanese boyband Energy was the greatest boyband alive
- That Jay Chou was actually cool
- That everybody is so crazy about Mandopop artistes
- That while I like acting, acting doesn't like me
- That I hated being poor
- That I wished I knew how to work
- That Chinese lyrics are very poetic
- That 2004 will be a better year

In the year 2004:
- That coming into 4 Alpha was the worst and wrong choice ever
- That I'll never be friends with classmates from 4 Alpha
- That I'm grateful to get Mr.Jacob because his legend was so well-known
- That people finally knew how good I am in English
- That winning the second award of best Chinese Essay is too flattering
- That I realise my own stupid mistakes
- That people just like to bully others, no matter is there reaction or not
- That "bitchy" and "fuck" is so understandably used now
- That depression took most of my life away for that whole year
- That I can make a living just by being a lyricist
- That Add Maths sucks when you have a lousy teacher
- That if I can really write lyrics I can be famous anyway, just like singers
- I'm disappointed that my friends changed
- That I think I found the love of my life
- That the year 2005 will be a better year

In the year 2005:
- That I want to volunteer to go to tsunami striked areas
- That I don't give no shit about Alpha friends who don't deserve my empathy
- That I can make him love me
- That my friend was hurt severely
- That my maturity had shown itself, although I'm still childish in every other way
- That SPM was one thing I don't want to go through again
- That I wished I had stayed with those kids in Rumah Hope
- That I can stay in FRIM and do a living by being there
- That I could consider going to foundation instead of form 6
- That I have true friends, who truly cared
- That I will die two years from now from emptiness and sorrow
- That being under the manipulation of a bastard is not worth it
- That I can create really incredible stories for people to read
- That I truly wish he didn't fall for another girl and hurt me badly
- That I shall never touched school balls or university proms for another five years
- That I wished I had hugged all my precious friends
- That I can finally leave this crappy school
- That 2006, will most definitely be a good year

In the year 2006:
- That working part time is tough
- That taking the JPJ test is tougher
- That I can truly forget the love I had for him
- That having 5As in SPM is good
- That choosing Foundation in Arts was the best choice ever
- That 2006 World Cup was really the best thing that bonds our mates
- That I had found really wacky friends to spend my year with
- That people who hate me for no reason has continued to appear
- That I'm a loud mouth and I have never cure that
- That lesbians, gays, emos, and desparados were something new to me
- That I can make time stopped at being in year 2006 because everything is fun
- That I don't need love and I can live my whole life being single with the right mind
- That my distance with my sister and brother were very apparent
- That the more I'm into university, the more I understand my mom
- That my sister having a boyfriend became some kind of jealousy
- That I finally get what I deserved: A passport
- I can travel more now
- That Singapore was great
- That the year 2007 will be one of those best years to accomplish what I need to accomplish for my goals

And now, year 2007 had come to an end, in the end, I accomplished......
- remaining close friends with my foundation mates even though I have a lover
- having someone who loved me from the inside, and not exterior-wise
- having Journalism was one thing I really enjoyed that combined Lyrics writing and English Language
- having more friends with more variety
- travel to more places like Penang, and most recently, Taiwan

And yet....
I lost a dear friend....

But I should attempt to.....
- forget Ephyon's haunting past on me
- become as healthy as possible
- be more tolerant and lenient on rules, regulations and relationship
- Achieve better results in MUET and my CGPA (not that its bad, but I want more)
- Continue to have a loving and fun friendship with all my mates
- create awareness among the youths to please please PLEASE make Malaysia a change
- be more aware of my image and start to wear something more appealing to self and audience
- enhance my vocabulary and language by reading more books.
- boost my general knowledge
- be more careful with handling my money

That's all for now, Wish everyone here, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and May the year 2008 make some changes upon you. Me as well. *smiles*

Thanks and good day

Sex, drugs, booze, videotape, Lies, western style.

Yes, yes. I know I know, Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant at 16. Gasp all you want, shock all you want. I rolled my eyes when I saw that. Lets just say its another tradition of "Yay, another Hollywood Hot shot down". Sheesh, us Asian teens never get that kind of treatment if we get pregnant. Worst thing about getting teen pregnancy if it happened here, we'll have to give up our babies or kill them because we are not financially independent whereby our looks didn't rake in millions of dollars. If millions of faeces, maybe.

And the thing is, I don't really give a damn about whoever getting pregnant at such a young age. It is already a really routinic news we see from the West. You want big news? Find a Hollywood actor or actress who had been faithful for their spouse for more than 50 years. Now THAT's news! Or better, find a Hollywood actor or actress who are actually practising safe sex or keeping their virginity until they get married. And how ironic, everyone famous must have touched one of those stuff mentioned above before and after they become famous. Why? That appealing?

Or should I be one of them celebrities to actually acknowledged that stress made all those possible? And impression? And stupidity? I think some people just got too ditzy in their head and simply be retarded instead of making what they do best, whether is it singing or acting or talking. I don't know. I mean, something's wrong with the Generation X teaching Generation Y the old tricks. If you asked me, I think those laidback Gen X people are to be blame. Yea, and the baby boomers didn't help too being too old and wanting to be young yet remaining conservative.

Hopelessness of Hollywood is the cause of all these I'd say. And the only saving grace of it now is those foreign actors like Englishmen and Irishmen or Chinamen (yes, them too), that makes that famous place something to see. You got to give them producers and directors credit. They still see hope in these foreign men. American actors? Well, they are too busy doing what has been done on the four activities mentioned above. And Alot of them too. Yea yea, you may say that Englishmen are also ferociously perverted people, but hey, I'm looking at it in the large scale. Englishmen do it; American MEN and WOMEN do it. Settle.

Everyone is sure going to point fingers towards each other about the big question on everybody's head. "What the hell is wrong with society?". Who to blame eh? I don't know. Growth? Things just keep growing and things are getting out of hand. It'll be too soon before some idiot cracked under the unexisting growing pressure. But what's the cause? Time I'd say. Growth I'd say. But not men. Nope. No siree, won't blame men at all. They were the victims of civilization, so nope. Won't blame humans one bit about the mistakes they did to make our world filled with stupidity and disaster.

Whatever, not like I care what is going to happen to Jamie Lynn's future, now that she's almost ruined her career, and also having to risk an innocent boy pal of hers getting into jail. Ah, who cares? Screw it.....

Yep, I don't give a damn about Hollywood lifestyle. And as time passes by, Hollywood's not going to be big by being dirty. Somebody save Hollywood before it self-destruct.

Nope, I'm not going to be that stupid hero.

And they say.....

That every patriotic Malaysian should take one good look at the current World's Tallest Building - Taipei 101 when they go to Taiwan for a trip, and remember to spat or curse it. It is somewhat something we need to do, because our building is tallest if the twins were combined as one, and our building look so pretty.


Point is, are you sure?

Night view of Taipei 101

Normal view of Taipei 101

Personally, I didn't really did anything to actually curse it down. And apparently some people knew about this dissatisfaction by Malaysians about getting ripped of the grand title that made us a pioneer tourist attraction among the Westerners who had never heard of Malaysia in the first place. And oh, yea my friends said its ugly. But it was ugly for a purpose. And its rather superstitious which I think its "stupiditious". Want to know? Those who are my close friends will get to hear the stories first, but those who don't know me....errr......Make me tell you. Wahahahaha.

Ciao for now. I want to write up other posts that more significant.

Thanks and good day

I'm leaving for a trip to enjoy Taiwan.

Before I go, here's something for you to share with those whom you deeply loved. Be it your family, your best friend, your lover, your child, just share it. And mean it, only share it with those whom are irreplaceable in your heart. Go on, click it

http://clicks.aweber.com/z/ct/?lVlVzS5tMyOPnFAslnoaHg

If this makes you feel touched by it, if it makes you feel stronger and felt loved and appreciated, go ahead, and share this to whom you think needed the same kind of encouragement and love. You want to know who I send it to?

1. My mom
2. Ephyon
3. islander
4. Diana
5. Dylane
6. My cousin Estrial
7. Cheesatouillerie

People whom I want them to click on the link:

1. Bloodsuns
2. Reedo
3. Stephy See
4. Kid the Phantom thief
5. simpleteen

And those anonymous readers who are out there enjoying my blog. I have not post any links here before. This is my first, and hopefully not my last.

As for those 5 people, I have to explain something first. The reason why I didn't post to you the link even though you guys meant alot to me is because I don't know what is your current situation. (with exception from bloodsuns, that one my fault la). Though I trust that all of you will click on it, and spread this meaningful link to those whom you truly care. Those who needed guidance, love, those who are in despair, depressed. Those who are clueless, those who forget, those who ignore. Maybe this link can help. I don't know, but give it a try. Okay?

Alright, I'll see you soon here, on the 21st of December. Bye!

Who do you call? Blogger or Journalist? Or the Wordbusters?

Lame.

But seriously, if this issue is brought in the international level, we just might have to call ourselves the "Wordbusters" instead of the normal term "Journalist". Thankfully (or is it Pity?) that no one has brought that argument up yet.

What is a blogger? What is a journalist? As far as I recall I study this course to earn the better name of it, to work in the media organisations to write news stories, spread REAL truths. And when I graduate I'm going to share this name with some anonymous people who only has a technology box and a Internet connection that can probably reach the world, as much as a reporter can, probably even more, since Internet has no boundaries or laws.

But just before I continue to rant I really didn't know but since when did the blogger became the same as the journalist? Or is it the business opportunities behind the sharing of terms? You know, more news scoops, more insight news, more bribery, more corruption.......

ok not too far. But bloggers can do it, and in private.

That's the basic idea I thought that merge da two terms together. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) this term is not recognised in this country yet. That is why our very own rapper Information Minister was pleasantly aghast when Jeff Ooi is labelled an "Independent Journalist" when being interviewed by Al-Jazeera English. Well if he is the Information Minister, he should get all the Information. Sigh, maybe he should start surfing the net. I don't quite agree if anyone said that a politician is too busy. Our previous Prime Minister always take the time to read at least a book a day despite his busy schedule. Of course, no one can prove that unless it comes from the previous First Lady or something.

As far as I'm concerned I was quite taken aback with the term. Never mind that Jeff Ooi is a successful blogger, who has an INDEPENDANT blog, (hence giving him the title, and not who he's affiliated to). But shouldn't it be separated? I mean, yes, the media has tried to expand as far as to go to the Internet to spread news yada yada, but still shouldn't they leave the name to those who are working to earn that title? Okay, so maybe bloggers aren't exactly writing for free too, but they get the advantage of time and space, when journalists actually have to finish their work by the deadline. If not, no credit given, no money given. And at least bloggers don't need to attend weird events (Although Jeff and Kenny Sia proved otherwise, attending Pepsi-sponsored concerts and LG events respectively).

But who am I to rant and complain? After all, my current status is a student. I'm not a journalist yet. I don't compete with rival newspapers to earn the best scoop. I'm still not worried about having to lose to the Internet when people just stop reading newspapers and concentrate on the Internet. I don't have to learn how to edit my news as to make it sound casual when it is the most serious thing of the nation. I don't have to face rejection from authority, just negative comments from people who always prefer to be anonymous. Yea, I gave them that choice, they chose it. Losers, but whatever. You can't be angry over people dissing you in the Net. No boundaries remember?

In the end, I'd like to be both. A blogger, giving chronicles of life, not mine, maybe someone else; a journalist, telling what should be told to the public, acting as a storyteller. Strange how is it that we become intertwine with our blogging personalities. It is after all, who we partially are.

Anyone who'd like to comment about the merging of the terms? Or you prefer to address them separately?

As for me, I'll just screw the whole thing, and call myself a "Wordbuster". It sounds so much cooler.

Sign off

Wordbuster Cin

Sweets that kills

No Kidding.

A relationship too sweetened up kills. Literally. You can't leave each other for anything. It has indeed, kill people of opportunities with chances of making friends. Stick to him/her all the time. So fascinating. So self-absorbed. So much desire to be only with the lover that you forgot your PR skills. Then when they leave, you had a drastic wake up call. Bad one indeed. You find yourself clueless with nothing in you. Uh-oh. What are you going to do? Time already flew. Those strangers are no more strangers, but you don't know them, because you don't talk to them. Sure, they have been something so familiar in your sight, but you can't talk to them for nuts. You don't know how to mingle, no best friends. You feel depressed. It sucks to be you. Such a loner. Always sitting there by yourself, eating alone, no one to take the bus with you.

Sigh. You resort to joining clubs and activities. You don't talk much, but you had attention. Can't help it. You liked voicing out. Appropriate ones it seems. You found yourself face to face with a sweet talker. Oh, how they serenate you with complimentaries and charm. How they smile at you that made you feel like royalty. So nice to be called "babe" and "honey" or "darling" even though they were just plain friends. So satisfying. You repay them back. You subscribed to their desire. You turned into someone without logic whatsoever. Stupidity, that's what you call when you woke up. But this is what you call commitment. They want money, you just give; they want sex, hungry ones, you also give. Can't help it, you were so enthralled by the whole sweet talk, you'd do anything to hear them again. You like being one too. It gives you everything you want don't you? Oh sure, those who don't like them walk away, they are just weird aren't they? Who doesn't like listening to compliments? Eh? You don't care, you just want one more extra piece of the cake. Then, things aren't so sweet anymore. So sickenning. So disgusting. You think only idiots like to be sweet talked like that. You became poor. You were insulted as dirty. But you finally escaped.

Oh dear, look at you now, so pathetic, such a jerk. Everyone looks down on you. The sweet talkers work their charm didn't they? Telling everyone how lowly you are. Oh poor thing, so much or trying to taste that sweet. But will anyone actually pity you? Maybe, if you meet new friends. And so you did. You exaggerated your story making yourself a victim. They'll be feeling empathy for you. They'll be feeling sad for you. Poor thing, now you resort to passing the sweet to others weren't you? Casting a net, to see who will fall into your trap. You were so desparate for attention, and revenge, building a sort of circle of friends. So that you can get back at them. Fool, your foolishness, your idiocy, your stupidity, your absurdity, it made you into who you become now. Such a pitiful loner with a circle of friends as human shields.

Fool, you have been watched, stalked, by people. Sigh, when will you realise that the only way to taste the real sweet is to not be too sweet, not to succumb to sweetness of stupidity? Sigh, or, you'd prefer to taste bittersweet aftertaste of your life for eternity? Sigh, find another path now, fool. Please. If not, you'll be diabetic, and eventually, get killed.

You have people who care for you you know? Their sweets don't kill.

*Moral of the story : Never accept sweets from dangerous people who might ruined your life*

Simple and Clean! 干净利落！我不怕！！

Various bloggers across the nation, even worldwide, had posted the major event of the year that is sure will touch the hearts of those who felt that the time has come. We need to reform. We need new blood into the government system! I was not there to participate, no thanks to having to work. But all the same, I'm touched by the amount of people who believe in peace, that demonstrations are supposed to be peaceful. Mahatma Gandhi has done it before, he gets independence. Our correspondent, Myanmar is currently fighting for their own freedom. They too, march for peace! Such events touched our hearts of the many! We scream for a truthful election!

We are so young yet so bloody ignorant about the current situation. We actually needed some people of the older generation to demonstrate it to us that they need our support for a fine nation! Shame on us youngsters! Shame on us who believed we'd never win! I actually felt ashamed not being able to participate in such a historic event that will sure be the prove of a good rebel to those who are so full of themselves! I'd wish I had been of the age, to be able to vote for the one who deserves it. I'd always knew the members of the Opposition, as my late father always mingle with them. Bless Jeff Ooi, the founder of USJ.com.my, who had been really persistent of giving us information about the current situation. Bless Tony Pua, who made us proud as one of the younger men who took the initiative to bring benefits to the nation. Bless Irene Fernandez. I remember she was still able to walk when she attended my father's funeral, though with the help of a walking stick. Now even as she's wheelchair-bound she marched proudly with the able-bodied participants, proudly shouting "Daulat Tuanku", proudly being in the front line with the police, not backing down. Bless these people whom I thought had no hope in trying to bring the current political parties down. But now, as I finally had study politics as part of my degree programme, I came to understand that hope is not lost.

I know it's hopeless to urge my friends or whoever out there to read my blog, because most of you are still working. But please, do come and read it. Ask yourself: Are you happy with the government? The government who hesistates to make crucial decisions, just afraid of a small objection of the ministry, but be getting approvals from the millions of average Joes? Ask yourself: Do I care for what is happening now? Of course some will, some won't. People do tell me it was useless doing that. "What for? It's boring! It's hopeless! No one is going to listen to a bunch of teenagers ranting about politics". I might not agree but I won't bother to rebuke because of the previous situation. But now, look back at November 10, those who get tear gases, chemical waters, drenched wet, get beaten up, and yet still serving their purpose. Why are they doing that? Because THEY care! Isn't it time for us to do something too?

I know its impossible for me to do something crucial too. Some of you might think that it is stupid of me because I've never attended the event, and not doing any action to prove my sincerity because all I do is blog, HERE! Yes, I know people have been thinking of that for some bloggers, including me. They talk big, and not doing anything to help. Why don't you start by helping to give suggestions to those who ACTUALLY can make the difference? I will. I have been planning something for some time now. And it'll be soon before I actually put it into email to email it to the people responsible. And yes, I'll be demanding for something. I'll be demanding, or in polite terms, requesting, that our beloved media should get our independence back! To the media who wanted to continue enjoying the luxury of being under the government's umbrella, it's your choice. To those who don't, speak up! It's time you do something about it! Don't lose the opportunity to remain ethical to your own writing. You bear responsibility over the contents of your reports. You pay for the response of the audience to your reports. Do you dare to ask yourself that you only care of the sales of your newspapers, and not the quality?

I'm calling for those who feel hopeless to renew your hope. I'm calling for those who feel the need to speak up to speak up now. I'm calling, for those who's conscience are being kept hidden inside, to show it proudly now. Wear it in you. Be proud to show how much you truly wish for a change. We have done it, now the impact is there. It's high time we do make a difference for us! We will use the right methods to get what we want. We are not afraid, not now!

哪怕我们再被压迫，我们会反击得更加厉害！我相信我们会有一个公正的国家。我们不要求完美的政府，只是一个比较好的正统。好歹我们也是人民，应该做些改变，好让我们以后又一个更加美好的日子过。我们做的每一个动作，不是为了国家和社会！是为了自己！你怕吗？我告诉你，我不怕！我们会有一个干净利落的政府的。

Good Morning Revival of "Newrology", Hello from 1Utama.

Greetings everyone. Currently I'm stationed in 1Utama. How do I manage to blog here without interfering my work is not for you to know. Be glad I managed to get time to keep my blog alive. Or at least, I'd love to keep my blog alive.

I've been thinking about the term "Newrology". Instead of having someone checking our brains (aka normal term aka neurology for those who are still confused), why not we have a "newrologist" who put implants of new ideas into our brains? Something out of this world, yet to be accomplished. Something to actually keep things movings (Other items that are keeping us moving: Money, time, love). Who knows, your new idea will be the next best thing in the world.

Think about a business not ventured into. How about science and mathematics? Open a business corporation selling knowledge of science and maths. I'm not talking about tuition centres or specialised books. I'm talking about hiring people to tell you what does a term means while you do your homework. Pick the babe/hunk of your choice to meet at a specific time. He/She will appear at your doorsteps, dressed in clothes you have chose for them (Your choice to include nude and scantily clad clothing), if you don't understand something, just ask them. They'll tell you what is the correct term. Direct questions like "what is the answer to this question?" will not be entertained. Of course, you have to tip them to do a maid's job like handing you drinks, strip dance (oops), or massage you to relax yourself. But the main purpose is that you can feel relaxed doing your homework under the presence of someone you like, instead of being tensed up because of the dateline to hand up your homework. Cool eh? And if you have money, probably you can purchase few talking robots, but robots don't have intelligence and common sense like humans. Some might prefer flesh too (oops again).

If something like this is too explicit for you, why not go for something tamer? Nowadays, we have so much of personalised items. Customised computers, personalised stickers, customised jewellery, even customised customer services. Oh, how picky we are. We want everything that suits our taste, because we want to be unique, one and only. If that's the case, why not open an agency for customised jobs? Pick the company of your choice. Ask yourself why you want to be in this company and what do you have that the company should hire you. If you are lucky, you'll be rewarded with an interview; if not, the agency or agent is not responsible for the damages done. The agent do not write the resume for you, more like helping you to get in touch with that certain company. The rest is up to you to make an effort if you want to see it happening. Then, when you really get hired, please remember to pay/tip for the service. (Agents, make those applicants sign an agreement that they'll pay no matter what).

Another thing about "newrology", is that the business idea might not work at the first place. Like once upon a time when the craze of "tamagochi" the mini game console where you can battle with another "VR pet", and you must keep them alive and well every single day. It was a craze, but also a waste of time, literally. Nobody really plays that anymore now. We shoud have a crazier craze that is long lasting, something like digital cameras. Back in the days it wasn't possible, but now it is, correct? But some inventions are ridiculous, like combining a mobile phone and a computer together, making a "compuphone". I never like it. The design is either too big for a handphone, or too small for a computer. How do those people read the text without getting a headache? I would get it if i have one. A PDA might be better for me.

Why do I call it "Newrology"? One, it's new; Two, it's uses the brain. Don't try to crack your head open just because someone else was ahead of you (No pun intended). Just because someone has "been there, done that" doesn't mean you cannot surpass them. Give it a try for those people venturing into business, or those who wants to venture them into the future. Once upon a time, people don't think that local food will be popular. But hey, all you need is good packaging, good branding, good marketing strategy and voila. Lousy but tasty food turns to good looking and tasty food. Amazing how people like to dress things up eh?

Ah-ha! Just thought of another business idea. A dress up company. You name them, we have them. We'll dress up anything from living creatures to stoic objects. Dress them up just because you want them to look pretty. Dress them up just because they want you to help them sell. Whatever the reason, you want it, we'll have it. We combine two minor mass commication sections into one: Public Relations and Advertising. Spread your brand over. Dress them to make your company look big. Advertise yourself by dressing up whatever you have. Amazing, and I guarantee that customers will soon be bursting your door just by wanting your items all dressed up and pretty. Why not?

I'm good at conducting ideas. I have more ideas actually, but I'll just share 3 of them with you. What about you? Any new ideas? Why not you share it with this "newrologist" eh? Don't worry, I won't steal your ideas, I already shared 3 of them and I'm not scared. So please, don't hesitate. Leave your comments now!*

*Overrated blog promotion

Thanks and good day

Sudden increase in blog views

This is funny. I don't recall updating my blog for such a long time. In fact, the whole of October, I only have one blog post. So why the sudden increase in my blog views?

I think Kenny didn't realise that instead of linking the winner to the winning comment, he linked it here, to my blog.

That explains it. And yes I'm wookie, the lucky girl (or some would say "bitch" because they wrote tons in hope to win) that won the Hugo fragrance XX edition. Or at least I think its XX, maybe Kenny might cross over? Great, Ephyon will enjoy the perfume instead of me. Haha. Oh wait, I'll enjoy too, smelling him that is *evil grin*.

And yes, I'm very informal now, because this is something I need to clarify, by my personal self, not the self that writes logics and facts and egoistical blog posts.

Probably some would wonder what is the comments that made me the winner? Did I write anything special? Did I list out 10 instead of 5 things that made a guy gorgeous for doing something? Nah, I don't have the time. And truthfully, I didn't intend to join it, but it's just that because the topic was a very happy and heartwarming one. So I decided to just write in, and tell what is most gorgeous for me. And its really short, so till now I'm still confused as to what was so appealing about my comment.

"The gorgeous thing about a guy is that he could resist shouting over his girl or cursing her simply because of her mood swings, whether is she in PMS or not. It's very tough for a guy to keep his head cool especially when the girl was being bitchy and really unreasonable, and that's what a guy hates the most. Which is why you have to count your blessings if your guy actually tries his best to keep his temper under control when your mood is really down the drains, because what you said might be illogical, and you might apologise for saying that the next day, and even if you don't see it, your guy will be hurt or feeling less love over what you've done. So yea, I love my guy for that.

And speaking about PMS, if your guy ever massages your belly while you experience the worst cramps every month of that time, be thankful. If he buys you chocolates, and visit you whenever you feel the pain, be thankful. If he ever tells you that your suffering every month is actually for the sake of bearing your children with him in the near future, be even more thankful. That was the best things I've heard from my guy. And I still treasure it even though he has forgotten about it. Because those were the most gorgeous thing he did when I'm in the worst times of my life. Believe me, it's pain as hell. So who doesn't like a guy who knows how to help a girl soothe her pain eh? ;)

Just my thoughts. See ya. And great blog Kenny. Keep it posted. "

....

Its this SHORT. and I won?? I tried emailing Kenny about this but he didn't reply, anyone know why I'm a winner?

To those who are curious about what I wrote. There you go. You may leave now. I doubt you actually wanted to continue reading rants of a 19 year-old.

To those who continued to stay, very good, you may continue to listen to my rants. And I don't show this kind of personal self onto the blog anymore, unless there's another thing I should clarify that I couldn't possibly talk to you about it. So, appreciate that, though I'd love for you guys to appreciate my other more serious posts.

And yes, PERIOD cramps is PAIN as HELL. I had the more serious type of cramps. When I was younger, I couldn't even eat or drink when I have pain. Because if I do so, I'll just vomit the contents out. And I have skipped classes multiple times to stay inside the resting room (or PBSM room, however you like to intepret it), and things didn't go better.

It still hogs me now and then, but this time I have some support aka Ephyon. He's one of the greatest guy I've ever seen. I remember I suffered this once when I was attending a lecture, and my coursemates helplessly just looked at me, the guys I mean, they didn't dare to touch me, just kept saying whether am I okay. I appreciate that because at least they asked. But Ephyon just stretch that and tried to make myself better in a way or another. He really did all that, massaging me, buy me chocolates. He did visit me, and he did say that. It sounds kind of corny yea, but, how many of your boyfriends would say that to you when you are going to the gates of hell?

And the PMS thing, erm, every girl go through that. Guys complain about it. Ephyon once relate me to one of his friend's quote "If I ever want to call my girlfriend a bitch, its during her PMS".

Yes, true, everything they said is true, heck, in my case, I have to be angry and sad at least once each, to know my PMS is here. Ah well, serious cramps comes serious symptoms before that. Before Ephyon knew about the pattern he was annoyed, angered, tried to ignore me. All kinds of problems la. He tried to avoid things that make me sad. So he made up stories, which unfortunately, got busted. We fought for countless times, from petty things to serious issues.As time goes, he come to know he cannot avoid not knowing that PMS exist.

He loves a good argument, so do I. Unfortunately, he's more logical in looking things than I am. So sometimes I lose. But I know in that PMS time, I'll win. I'll be so unreasonably logical that he can't fight back. Finally he'll just said "I really hate your PMS".

See how hard the boyfriend tries to keep his head cool whenever the girlfriend tries to fight him off something? I bet many didn't even see the symptoms of it coming. So that results in dissatisfaction and eventually, break up. I'm lucky enough to know him and logical enough to tell him that if he sees my emotional turmoil, he know a storm is coming. So during that time, he'll be the "pitiful boyfriend". People once said that he's pitiful. I think he is too. That's why its a wonder he's still with me. I had told him countless times that my emotions is not something in control, that he should leave me if he can. He chose to stay. His choice, our gain. And we are still strong. =)

Yeah, that's about it. I wish them good luck for the next giveaway.

P/S: I won't be blogging much since I'm going for work soon. But I might have creative expressions. So, just wait la.

Bye!

Life, destroyed

As they usher into a festive mood, I felt like mine was plunged down. I had just witnessed an accident.

Motorcycle collided with the lorry, and the motorcyclist laid there on the open road, with more cars rushing from the highway. As if things are not bad enough, the lorry ran away, from the accident scene. That whole thing happened just like that, just as I turn my head to that direction. I was stunned, can't really talk much. Then a few more went to help or to gossip. Then the police came. I was going back that way too. So when the bus I was on passed by the scene, I see a lifeless body over the massive crowd that was surrounding it, and a blood pool. I doubt that he survives, but I sure hope he hangs on to life.

2 weeks back, I've heard of a similar incident, but from a different person. From Ephyon's grandfather. Ephyon is also orphaned, caused by a road accident which killed both his parents and the lorry driver. It happened when he was only six months old, barely able to walk, only knowing how to crawl. I cried as I hear it. I looked at Ephyon, a 21 year-old healthy man who loves me so much. I felt as if he don't deserve such fate, but yet he had bear it throughout his lifetime, and possibly all the time. I really won't let him go easily after that. No way, unless he chooses to leave me.

Today's newspaper is about a couple who had an online memorial for their children who were all stillborn. David and Angeline Sim mourned for their 3 children who never even make it pass their infant stage. Angeline felt that it was her fault for not being able to give life to the life inside her womb. It hurts them when they couldn't cradle or cuddle their baby in their arms. It hurts them to see other new parents with healthy babies, when they mourned the losses of their 3 babies. It hurts them to know that there is really a slim chance for them to have children, the purpose of a married life and starting a family. It hurts them, it hurts me too. Life just seemed so fragile. I hope they will have a baby soon, a healthy one with smiles, and blessings from the previous 3 babies.

Who determined the term "life" when it sounds so strong, yet seem so weak? We needed medicines to continue and protect life. We needed to exercise to maintain health, which has relations to life. We needed to stay happy, to look forward into life, to live our life! Life, life, life, life, life, life, life, LIFE! Everything we do, it has to be life. If life is what we are, then once its destroyed, we won't exist anymore. We think that its cruel. But once upon a time, that was how dinosaurs ceased to exist, leaving some of them to evolve, to lose out something in them to get used to the change of weather and temperature, to continue with life. Those who can't evolved, you'll face heaven's gates and they will look at you, saying "I'm sorry, because you choose to remain like this, you lost your chance to live". I view that as cruel, what about you?

I thought of the amount of people who died everyday in Mother Earth. Mother Earth, sigh, she stopped feeling compassionate to the human race. No, she thinks that they had made too much damage. And so, she conducts phenomenons, causing terror, more sadness. Do not say that war and massacre are not caused by her. She made it happen. She made human minds turn mad. She turn the greatest leaders to the worst kind of animals. She can turn the sane to insane. She can turn everything. Do not irk her, she made lives destroyed before. Have we not learn about our ancestors? Those who raised a dynasty, and those who made the dynasty fall? Those who raised the kingdom, and those who made the kingdom crashed down?

I don't blame the existence of free thinkers. They think freely. No restriction of religion, which was, according to them, a false image of a reality. I could say that it was half true. That is because when those people existed, like Jesus Christ or Lord Buddha or Nabi Muhammad, when they exist, their teachings work well with the people their time. But as time passed, centuries goes by, the teachings did not evolve, until we couldn't connect with the teachings anymore. So what we have is belief on ourselves. That's all we have. We evolve, not them.

I want my life not to be destroyed. And his too.

"Im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth....."

Earth is no more heaven. Life is no more strong. Yet, we still hold onto it. Why?

Because we want to exist.

Pray for the accident victim. May he hang on to his life.

I don't get it

So many things that happenned that are unexplainable. So many questions left unanswered. So little truth, the real truth are on the surface. How are we going to continue surviving on hope when it is false hope? I don't get it. How people can smile at a dire situation that seems crumbling without hesitation?

We are deeply saddened by the recent murder case of a young girl. We are deeply saddened by the situations of our safety which is close to none now. We are deeply saddened by the facts of our hearts, which should turn sincere, now shadowed by treachery, scandals, evil. How often do we face ourselves, ask questions that we want answering, and getting a truthful answer with a guarantee? I don't get it. Our society is turning vague, dark, no more close relations with each other.

I wish to change. I want to change. I don't boast, but the least I can do is contribute what I can for a change. Yet, I was a little down when my relatives thought my chosen path was for another path: working. My answer is NO, I don't choose this course for the sake of "just having another degree to make myself employable" or "my career path will change and it has nothing to do with what I learn now". NO, I choose to follow it through and through because I love that course, and the career aspects that is to come after that. I don't get it, why people tell me to change my mind?

Sigh, the media. Our very own mass media. How many now are reporting according to what it is? How many wanted to change but are afraid of the consequences? How many wanted to obtain media freedom, speech freedom, writing freedom? But yet, if media freedom is obtained, how many are planning to exploit it? How many are scheming for scandals for their own benefits? How many are true to their fair and balanced reporting? I don't get it, why can't the media stand up for themselves?

My temper raised now and then. It always strained friendships, family ties, love relationships. I have a love/hate relationship with it. When it was raised at the right time, I woke up a conscience that was in a deep sleep. But if not, I make things worse for both. Me and the other person. But sometimes I get angry because I want to have questions answered. I don't care how hurt I'll be knowing the answer, as long as it's an answer, and I'll be satisfied. My heart is known to heal itself quicker than before. But I don't get it, why are you so hesistant to answer questions with my anger soaring? Shouldn't it be answered before it became worse?

Sigh, I don't get it. Too many uncovered truths, who to believe? Anonymous people who I've never seen before starts hurling accusations. They respond through the media without hesitation of not being nice. It a war of words. Who wins when both the media and the Internet are unbelievable sources now? Extremism, it just had to exist. Lies, it just had to exist. Betrayal, it just had to exist. Cowardness, it just had to exist. I hate Pandora and her box. Can we find a better box?

I don't get it. It's so hard to be human now.

Oh wait. We are human, just back to become primitive humans.

I just don't get it. And my questions will be left unanswered until I can find it.

The Touch

She thinks through the whole process. It won't work. It just won't work. Sigh......

"Why is it so difficult to get a present for him?"

She hated the current situation bogging her down, unable to find a private space to do what she had desired to do. She kind of envied her friends, who had the financial ability and also the time to buy their loved ones presents; but her, she's monetarily able, but not the time. Of all occasions, she had to be deceived by time now.

She relented, throwing her frustrations aside, and picked up her lecture notes, sigh......there she goes again, thinking of the inability to perform her role, sighing over what will be coming soon. Then, she sees him, over the internet. He had just finished his exam. It's her turn tomorrow. Then he mentioned about their meeting. She gulped, not knowing what to answer.

She hates it, she didn't like to be the one not capable of giving him a promising day. He had done it several times. She's always flattered, touched, his little actions never fail to lighten her day when she's facing her darkest moments. She always had to go through pain, and he's always there.

She was saved by his touch, that very touch that turn her stone cold heart to warm up for more possibilities. She thought that she'll always be a friend, a good family member, and no else. She had given up hopes that she'll ever be anyone's lover, because she don't even know how to love. She didn't want to go through the pain, the pain of being rejected, put behind, getting sick of it. She had a few flames that were put out very quickly. But one flame remained burning, deeply inside her.

"Hey, wassup?"

"Hey, errr...."

"?"

"I'm sorry....I couldn't get u a present...."

"Its ok...we'll still have fun tml"

He's always like that. He doesn't mind the little things. But she knows, its always the little things that he keeps it deep in his heart. She too, remembers his every little moments. It was his touch that first brought them to where they stand now.

They had a very good birthday celebration. She was delighted to see his happiness. She has had experience. Now she anticipates for more to come, hoping for another adventure for them.

Ending

I've known you for so long
We have drifted apart somehow
Why? Why?
Why can't I prevent this?

I've known you for so long
You have turned cold towards me somehow
Why? Why?
Such a messy web

I didn't want to give up
Don't want to let you go
But yet I still do
Because I found out the truth

So this is how you look at me
How you think of me
When I valued your presence so much
It just turn you a backstabber

I choose this! I choose this!
I choose to allow this to happen
If not, you can't escape me
You can't leave my grasp

How do you perceive me?
Do you think I'd let go that easily?
Too late, I've set a curse
To make sure that you are burned into ashes
Even if you are ashes
I'd turn you into particles
Fly? No!
You'll deal with death!

But no, that's just not me
I prefer to let go
Your smile is that reason
If not, I'd sentence you for treason

Treachery?
Betrayal?
No, everyone's like that
I might too
But you'd done it first
I won't repeat your steps

I want to give this an ending
You and me shall remember
For you, I don't know
For me, a good ending
For both of us, a desire

Disclaimer : This is just my expression and no, it didn't happen in real life. I'm happy, studying, and still very much in love. Peace out.

My Blog List

I'm a self-proclaimed blog addict. I read blogs, day in, day out. I like reading blogs with really meaningful meaning, or just for pure entertainment. A lot of my friends have blogs, and I felt happy because I like how they construct their words sometimes. So, after reading a very long archive of a friend's blog, I've decided to list out my very own blog list, which are worth reading. Note, not all of them are in English, so for those who didn't know English, I'm really not too sure how to help you. And I'm not tech savvy, therefore, I don't know how to list out that list in my blog, however, it's good for you to click on their urls here. Some of them may not be friends, but still, they are worth reading:

1. 成慧 (http://chenghuiloh.blogspot.com/) This is in chinese

Just for the curious to know, the name is called Cheng Hui. I've always liked her style of writing. It really makes me feel like getting to know her more. Well in fact, I DO know her. She's one of my university friends. In fact, I've known her for more than a year now. I like her way of writing her feelings. Not too expressive, simple, just keep everyone guessing what she's thinking. She only let people close to her know what she really feels. Still, I like to read her blog. It really reflects the mood she's in. Not because of the colours, but by how she wrote it. But somehow, I just wish she update more, but I can't ask her to do that. It's her own blog after all, still, I'll always check whether does she have any other interesting stories to share.

2. 来自银月的信 (http://phantomthiefkid.spaces.live.com/) This is in chinese

The blog title is "From the letters of the silver moon". The blogger has told me the real meaning of the blog title, but this is confidential, therefore I will not disclose this information. The blogger has also wanted privacy, that is why the blogger didn't put his/her name. I've known this blogger since secondary school, and I like the blog. This is because the blogger would put up information on what is happening around while I'm clueless about it. The blogger would sometimes disclose information on what the blogger is feeling, and I would give comments once in a while. What I like about this blog is that because this blogger speaks his/her heart out just like any of us, just that it is in Chinese, not like other blogs that I've seen before I found this blog. Therefore, this blog is also worth checking out. I assure you, you'll never know how youths think until you've seen this blog.

3. Never follow the crowd (http://www.xanga.com/chintuguese)

This is a blog by Nigel John Pinto, a fellow blogger who attends the same university as me, though I never really had the intention to know him as a friend, I still like to browse his blog once in awhile. A self-proclaimed pervert, he keeps his blog posts open-minded and I get to see eye catching stories from his blog. I like the way he writes, maybe I can call him a new kind of thinking. I like the way he expresses himself differently than others, therefore, his everyday entries interests me alot. I always try to catch up with his news. Just keep it up Nigel. I may not know you, but I like your blog.

4. Education in Malaysia (http://educationmalaysia.blogspot.com/)

Funny how I came to know this blog. I was actually looking through a random girl's blog, and she had a link to go to this blog. And, from what I saw, that blog post was how one of the two bloggers, Tony Pua, doubting the qualities of my university. I was, at first, infuriated, like any "loyal" students would. But after giving it a deep thought, it seems reasonable and logical for the doubt. Since then, I've been an avid follower of the blog, occasionally posting comments to let them know my opinions once in a while. But the posts seems to lessen a bit since Tony Pua joined the political field, leaving the other blogger, Ong Kian Ming, keeping the blog alive. I'd like to point out that both of them had different styles of writing. While Tony Pua is seen as the more aggressive blogger, Kian Ming is more sensible in his writing, seemingly more rational than the other, even though Tony's blog posts are also rational. Still, I like both of them, and I'll wait for Tony's blogging frequency to increase.

5. When Routine isn't exactly Normal (http://www.kennysia.com/)

This is currently another blog that I frequent to, mainly because of his humourous posts, and his thought provoking pictures (er-hem). I know I'm a little late of knowing Kenny Sia, but I wasn't really interested into knowing great bloggers, (plus, I didn't have their blog URLs) so, Kenny is the first great blogger that I've browsed through. And I don't regret doing that. I got so addicted to Kenny Sia, that I went through his archives to find the more funny posts he had before now. And his blog is clearly showing how much two years have made him a changed man. From being repulsive and loud, he now changes his focus to "safe humour", because his blog has become more and more popular. Of course, I'd like to see the repulsive side of him once in a while.

There you have it, the five blogs that I frequent to most of the time, mainly because these five blogs just kept updating themselves. Blogs becomes part of an everyday life. Likewise, you'll never really know what others think about. Plus, I really like the way they play with words, since I'm a word player myself. I just hope that meaningful blogs will keep existing, and I can keep reading. You'll never know how fun it is to find another word player like yourself.

Thanks and good day

(Note to these 5 bloggers : If any of you find my summary not satisfying, don't sue me. *Takes quote from Namewee* Saya takde duit....)

An Interesting Theory about Bed

That very sanctuary we go to everytime it is time to sleep. That very place that we generate and activate our subconcious mind. That very place that we woke up feeling rejuvenated and can't wait to go back there, it is all about the bed, our sleeping island.

The bed has always been an essential part of life. First acting as a sleeping place and a soft land for us as babies to lie on, later it evolves to become not only a place for rest and relaxation, it serves as the very sanctuary sometimes for people wanting to release themselves and conceal themselves for privacy, via crying while sleeping at the same time. It is also a place where best friends hang out and spill their heart out for each other, maybe needing one another to hold on to them. A place for lovers to share their very secrets, or just simply hold on to each other. Bed serves many purposes, though many had only acknowledge their primary existence, which is to allow them to go to dreamland.

But recently, when I saw something inspiring, I realised that how much memories a bed can have. Before I talk about that inspiring tale, I want to try to explain the theory of a bed, between singles and couples, and relate it to single bed and queen size bed.

When we are single, the only thing enough to fit us is, of course, the single bed. It is the private spot for us, for us to lay down, for us to ponder our thoughts, for us to relax, maybe worrying a little of what is in store for us the day after that. There is literally nothing to bother about. We could spread our legs wide and conquer the whole bed without ever needing to worry about others, except that we might fall down.

Of course, there are a few lucky ones who owns a queen sized bed themselves. While they had almost the same characteristics as the previous ones that I have mentioned, they need not worry about space. They have ALL the space they have. Rolling around and about, tossing and turning to their delight, and they'll never fell off the bed. Sleeping in a queen sized bed like that is just pure jealousy to me, especially when the materials used to create a queen sized is so much of high quality compare to single beds. They are much like singles' heaven, as they are more comfortable to sleep on.

However, when singles turn into couples, they might enjoy their very own paradise, maybe wanting to sleep back at their beds. Couples who tried to sleep together for the first time might not be used to the concept of sleeping together, because they were so used to having their own beds that maybe they were afraid of hurting the other by kicking them down, which is why it will not be comfortable. Or maybe they wanted to be romantic, therefore they hug each other to sleep, or the girl would sleep on her lover's arms, as they sleep together, only to wake up with severe muscle strains and numbness. That is not a romantic way to wake up at all.

But as time passed, and when each couple are familiar with the other's sleeping behaviour, they would counter each other and therefore adapt to each other, getting used to sleeping with each other, and therefore, they start to acknowledge their partners, always careful that their partner will have enough to sleep, and sleeping like that for over 10 years will make a difference on how you sleep, and you have gone used to sharing a bed with your lover. But, what happens when you are back being single again?

Sometimes it could be hard. Maybe it's about habit, maybe it's about the one you slept with, but I've seen in my own eyes how old habits can never die. It could be painful, it could be heartwarming, I just don't know what to say when I see it. My mother had been sleeping alone since the starting of this year, after my brother is finally old enough to go and sleep in his own room. She had always been sleeping on the right side of the bed, whilst my dad slept on the left side. After my dad's demise, I thought, by right, she should be having the whole bed to her own. But no. She still sleeps at one side, and leave the left side vacant. Sometimes, me and my siblings will occupy that side to sleep on the comfortable bed once in a while. But when she sleeps alone, it is always at the right side. Never have I seen her sleeping on the left side.

I don't know that she sleeps like that out of habit or not, but it pains me to see her sleeping like that. It's as if, my dad is still alive, still there, sleeping by her side. Should I tell her to try sleeping on both sides? She now owns the whole bed by herself. She's single. A queen sized bed is her luxury. Her intensive working hours should be able to let her understand that she needs the bed the most. And yet, she still sleeps by her side, rather unaware that she sleeps like that for the past 20 years, with 6 of them actually trying to adjust herself to sleep like a single again. Is she pining for my dad to return? Is she waiting for another man to sleep by her side when we are all grown up to spread our wings?

Sharing a bed is not easy as it looks. It takes some kind of special tolerance to be able to sleep together on a bed and still do not think that the other is a tiresome burden, just to wake up feeling fresh and rejuvenated. But for my mom's case, I look at it as a different story.

I think my mom wants to believe that my dad is still sleeping by her side.

Sorry if this post is a little confusing to some readers. Thanks and good day.

Stayin' Alive

I think I've gotten too used to being loud and brash when I'm protected by the Internet, it eventually eats up my character and I just had to be loud and brash in person. Here's how the story goes. One day I was waiting for the bus with my S.J buddy and my boyfriend, Ephyon. (I'm going to call him by his DotA name Ephyon from now on. Guardian angel seems to be very misleading. Plus, he likes DotA. I like watching him play DotA.) I had an interesting class before this and I just couldn't help but telling it out loud. We were waiting at broad daylight for the bus and I just raised my voice so that they can hear what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, unknown to me, I seemed to be drawing unwanted attention, mainly because my topic was "the Prime Minister is always Muslim. But they didn't emphasized on that right? I mean, we checked on the Internet....bla bla bla....". My buddy managed to hush me up after that, because there is a great amount of a certain ethnic group waiting for the bus too.

Unfortunately, as Ephyon tells me today, I really did drew scoffs of attention for what I said. And apparently, it had happen a few times, before and after we are together, whether it is related to politics or not. I seem to be talking about the wrong thing at the wrong time. I know I do offend alot of people, so much, that I think this is why I never had a good friendship circle until now. Honestly, if I didn't have friends who reminded me of that during secondary school days, I wouldn't know that what I said had been offending, loud and rude. That is why I had been limiting myself, or should I say, refraining myself from offending too many people that eventually the "One man is an island" saying becomes true.

I had been doing this for the past one year now, still I can't help being brash at times. Scoffing people off for facts that they could or couldn't accept. I even practised that on my earlier blog posts, trying to stop myself from revealing any information on what I felt if I was feeling stupidly down. Much to my "delight", I do get comments.

"hey yo,
go kill yourself you fucking emo bitch"

That was the very first thing I saw. I admit I was probably a little blurred or scarred by the attack. I resented to attacking that commentor, hoping that he'll leave. In the end, it lead into a nonsensical fight that my friends have been trying to help me in. I was being a dimwit too, falling for internet taunts like that. Then again, my abstract ego demands payback. I deleted all the comments made at that post to avoid anymore controversy. And now, I still do get lewd comments from some commentors, but eventually I learn not to care. The comments were there for them to express themselves. If I really hated comments, I would have disabled the comments settings. But I still like feedback from readers if possible.

Anyways, back to what I'm trying to emphasize. I do improve alot of being mindful of my speech. But I still couldn't help but express what I really think. I'm really impressed with my friends who refrain themselves from offending others by bashing the performance of others. I still ACCIDENTALLY do that sometimes. (meaning, I wasn't aware. I just ask one really straightforward question) Luckily I hit the right spot, and I was known as the girl who asks straightforward questions. Ouch(or is it Yay?).

My legacy has not ended. Till now, I see many others who are almost as loud and brash as me, but this only happens within campus. I think they were sensible enough not to mention anything outside in public. My intuition really sucks. If there is no public display of affection, and if someone tells me dat XXX and YYY were going out, I'll just give you the shocking look and you'll return to me saying "Don't tell me you don't notice ah? So obvious"

So if no one tells me that my "speech" is drawing really negative attention, I'll just continue talking and talking as if I'm in LaLa-land. Ignorant of the icy stares around me, ready to pounce at me when I fully let my guard down. I think I've challenged my freedom of speech far too many times, that I didn't realised that. I'm still surprised that I'm still free, instead of being locked up in jail by the Internal Security Act for my one sentence or one remark.

Then again, I didn't realise people actually care about my consequences and what will happen to me.

Ephyon:"I just want to protect you as much as I can. I don't want to see you end up in the hospital bed....."

He related a case that happened to his friend, who, said one sentence too many, and ended up being beaten up for that. Luckily it was just bruises, but what if they couldn't stop beating? And the ending of your glamourous life is being left by the roadside waiting to die. I never really knew about what kind of value people see in my life. Death. If I go, I go alone. That was how I view about my life. If I left the world, that's it. I trust my family and friends to be sensical enough not to grieve too much about my death.

Today, my principle and view about life was proven wrong.

I may hear alot of declaration of love from Ephyon, but today, he tells me something I've never heard before, that he didn't want to lose me all because of what I said.

And for that, I guess I should be more aware of my surroundings. Because I want to stay alive.

I'll still be loud and brash anyway, just be more aware of who may listen to my speech.

Are you listening?

Limited or Endless Contribution?

If anyone can remember how many times have you actually donated your money for charity, sympathy, friendship and love in a year, congratulations, I can daresay you could be 100,000 ringgit richer if you have kept the money. And those who are more able than the rest, you could have easily donated out 1 million.

I could be exaggerating, but I think everyone didn't realise the value of their donation. It may seem small, but if you have continuous donations to various organisations, those little values are stacked up easily and we could have spent some nearly 5 to 6 digits worth of money. That's a lot! Imagine what we can do with the money. I could get myself a really good laptop upgrade for my own sake. We could have enjoyed better food. We can even afford to go on a nice holiday.

And yet, we are contributing to charity knowingly and unknowingly at the same time. Do we contribute out of good intention or we just want to dispose those extras as fast as possible? As we placed that numerous 1 cent coins into the coin disposal box that accepts them for sake of charity, were we really thinking of the poverty or we just think that those coins were a burden? Probably it was the best of both worlds, because we could have just dump the coins into the rubbish dustbin. They won't really be worth anything. And not many are really interested in stacking up those 1 cent coins until it is worth something.

We have been contributing alright. Every ringgit or cents we donate, it could save someone's life. It could give the beggar down the street something more to eat. It could let the grandma who collects tin cans get a better pay today. It can afford to make a sick child and their family smile. Moreover, it makes our lives better. Or does it?

Sometimes we just donate out of pressure, you know, those "promoters" walking around selling items that half of them is going to charity. They aren't stalkers, but they can attack you individually, and you don't know what to do. We could say we are short of cash, but then they will implant some kind of "guilt genes" inside us and we'll feel bad for not doing what we "should be" doing: helping out others. Ah, I blame that on Moral Studies. We are just expected to be good aren't we?

Sometimes we just have to symphatise towards other's misfortune. Not all of them have our lives or our luck. They may leave the world earlier than ours, and they were not willing to die. But they aren't financially capable of surviving on Mother Earth. They sought for the help of newspapers, charity organisations, special services, just to keep their lives. And the very least we can do is do a little good so that somehow, they can have a live similar to ours.

Sometimes we "donated" without knowing. What is that should be free, was actually not. I actually encountered an incident whereby I was walking with my guardian angel at a shopping mall, and there was this kind lady who hands out a Buddhist Charm. As a Buddhist, I just accepted the charm, thinking that it was a free souvenir. Then as I turned back I found him missing. The lady was asking for RM20 for him as a "donation". Both of us were not exactly aware of this, so he just gave her the money. At that moment, I just threw the Buddhist charm into the rubbish dustbin. Not angry with my angel, but that woman. I feel insulted as a Buddhist because we were taught to just accept and not ask, we just accept what was in our plate. Yet that woman had the cheek to ask for money from him, without telling ME that it was supposed to be a product of donation. I should have just throw the charm to her and tell her to screw her business. Sheesh.

Then there were speculations that the victims of circumstances didn't exactly get the amount of money that was published in newspapers. Reason, those charity organisations sought after "hiring fees" after their "good deed" was done. Wow, so if we were contributing RM 1, at least 30 cents go to the organisation. Imagine if that amount of money is multiplied by millions. It's no wonder charity organisation do not need any business. They ARE getting business literally through the donations of us, the ever kind-hearted citizens.

Sigh, it is so hard to be good these days, finding people with the really true intention of doing good for the good of others. Others are raking in money. They need money. We need money. We willingly give our money to the others. They get the profit. They use our money that we literally donated. I am really in a dilemma here. Donating means giving us a sense of joy but yet we don't know how much were we exploited. Not donating means we managed to save our wallets from being burned up quickly, but if there's more people that think like us, wouldn't those who needed help that suffer?

What would you choose? Limited or Endless Contribution?